I Am An Island

Around this time last year I began to set sail on a journey that would bring me far from everything and everyone, including myself. I did not choose to leave but I also had no other choice but to leave. I left behind the old me, I’m still not sure who she was and I’m still getting to know this “new” me but I still think of that girl, and can see her waving to me from the shore as she gets smaller and smaller.

She doesn’t disappear though, that’s how I know I haven’t gotten that far. I can still see her, and part of me wishes I could go back to her. There was a sense of security I had during that time. I was sad, I was falling apart- but I walked around with a security blanket of silence that kept me protected. It was my secret. Now everyone knows…and I am still sad. I still feel like I am falling apart. The only difference is that it’s not my burden to bear alone anymore.

My mom said something to me on Christmas Day that upset me. She said, “Could you go back to school in January? Now all your friends are going to graduate without you.”

I was stunned when she said this. I thought I had already gone through all of this with my parents. Once again it comes down to a date on a calendar that everyone is looking to. It’s because my extended family asks about school when I see them and they all mention how I am graduating in May and I sit there giving them as little of a response as possible. I just wait for them to move onto the next niece, granddaughter, or cousin to probe. Christmas doesn’t really seem like the right time to announce such news. But then again it’s just another date on a calendar.

I think my parents have had this idea in their head that I would immediately get better and everything would be back to normal. Back to their idea of normal. What they don’t know is that I want to get as far away from the life I used to lead as possible. It wasn’t working for me. I made decisions I’m not happy with. I missed out on opportunities and as much as I try to live a life without regret I kind of mourn those lost chances. Which is just another way of saying I have regrets.

There was someone I wish I got to know better. I wish I gave him the time of day instead of giving preference to someone else. Now he is far away, on an island, and I am afraid I will never speak to him or see him again. Feeling like you have missed out on love is one of the worst feelings there is. If I could, I would take this little journey to his island and live out the rest of my days in the sun, with him. But I fear that I am too late. I let him go because I was unraveling and couldn’t hold onto anything. It’s so frustrating to be here. And by here I mean at this point in my life. In Boston. Here on my own little island that I built and not many people know how to get to or what to do with themselves once they get here. 

He’s in paradise and I’m in hell.

So I’ve got to start swimming.

First Snow

It's the first snow of the year so naturally all I can think about is summer. I love snow, especially the first one, but I love summer so much more. Allow me to reminisce...
My summer began deceptively well. I had just finished my first year of grad school and immediately went on vacation with my mom and sister to Rockport. It has become a sort of tradition for the 3 of us to spend a few days there at the beginning of summer. I collected a ton of sea glass, ate as much food as I could and hung out on the balcony connected to our room. Rockport is one of my favorite places to visit. After this trip I spent Memorial Day weekend on The Cape with the family of my roommate's friend and then after this I went camping with some of my friends. Yes, the summer began with a bang-  but then camp started.
I was working full-time as head camp counselor for a group of 30 7-9 year-old's, a group that I was just a counselor for the previous summer. After that first summer, I got camp amnesia and decided that I missed the kids more than I disliked the place so I returned with the promise of getting a promotion. Now I was in charge of a large group of kids and set myself on a one-way road to misery. I worked with incompetent people, in a group of children that needed more help than I could give them and we had very little resources to keep all these children entertained. One of the children was autistic, a handful of them had ADD and the rest were getting into fights or just not interested in being at camp. It was a nightmare. 
This is when this terrible, depressed, hopeless feeling began to set in. But then my weekends would come, and they were amazing. I spent them on my friend's dad's boat cruising down the Connecticut River past Gillete Castle and Chris Dodd's house and we would pull into a harbor and lounge on inner tubes with a Coors Light in hand. Or my friends and I would just drive around and go on adventures- looking for interesting trails or beaches, or they would come up to Boston and we would get Brunch at the bar down the street and then spend the rest of the afternoon on my building's roof which has a great view of downtown Boston. These weekends were my salvation and gave me hope that when this job ended, I would feel better. That this sinking feeling would go away and I would be happy again.
Of course, we know that this isn't how things went down. I was relieved to be done with the job but those feelings still stuck close, and got worse. But now things are changing yet again. It's been about 2 months since I made my decision to leave school and my life is moving forward at a snail's pace. But it's moving, so I'm...happy.

And now it's snowing. I'm glad for the change and that the year is coming to a close. It means that there is another summer coming up and even though this past summer wasn't all terrible it certainly could have had a couple more good days sprinkled in. So while the snow falls and Christmas nears, I'll be dreaming of a happy summer, with days that are merry and bright.