Around this time last year I began to set sail on a journey that would bring me far from everything and everyone, including myself. I did not choose to leave but I also had no other choice but to leave. I left behind the old me, I’m still not sure who she was and I’m still getting to know this “new” me but I still think of that girl, and can see her waving to me from the shore as she gets smaller and smaller.
She doesn’t disappear though, that’s how I know I haven’t gotten that far. I can still see her, and part of me wishes I could go back to her. There was a sense of security I had during that time. I was sad, I was falling apart- but I walked around with a security blanket of silence that kept me protected. It was my secret. Now everyone knows…and I am still sad. I still feel like I am falling apart. The only difference is that it’s not my burden to bear alone anymore.
My mom said something to me on Christmas Day that upset me. She said, “Could you go back to school in January? Now all your friends are going to graduate without you.”
I was stunned when she said this. I thought I had already gone through all of this with my parents. Once again it comes down to a date on a calendar that everyone is looking to. It’s because my extended family asks about school when I see them and they all mention how I am graduating in May and I sit there giving them as little of a response as possible. I just wait for them to move onto the next niece, granddaughter, or cousin to probe. Christmas doesn’t really seem like the right time to announce such news. But then again it’s just another date on a calendar.
I think my parents have had this idea in their head that I would immediately get better and everything would be back to normal. Back to their idea of normal. What they don’t know is that I want to get as far away from the life I used to lead as possible. It wasn’t working for me. I made decisions I’m not happy with. I missed out on opportunities and as much as I try to live a life without regret I kind of mourn those lost chances. Which is just another way of saying I have regrets.
There was someone I wish I got to know better. I wish I gave him the time of day instead of giving preference to someone else. Now he is far away, on an island, and I am afraid I will never speak to him or see him again. Feeling like you have missed out on love is one of the worst feelings there is. If I could, I would take this little journey to his island and live out the rest of my days in the sun, with him. But I fear that I am too late. I let him go because I was unraveling and couldn’t hold onto anything. It’s so frustrating to be here. And by here I mean at this point in my life. In Boston. Here on my own little island that I built and not many people know how to get to or what to do with themselves once they get here.
He’s in paradise and I’m in hell.
So I’ve got to start swimming.
Guess every day is a step, or using your metaphor, a paddle in the direction away from your old life/self. It's a process, right? Time frames are a mistake. They undergo re-writes and revisions all the time. Life tends not to adhere to them, so, we shouldn't either. (If I were a certain Brazilian author, I'd say you're at the "Glass Shop in your own personal legend.")
ReplyDeleteLove blows. Yeah. Not much "sagely" wisdom to dispense there. At least you could mention it in YOUR New Year's Post.
Anyway. Wind's blowing east. (where a new sun 'rises', and all that jazz..) HItch your sails to it and ride it out-maybe you wont have to paddle so hard this year. K, enough metaphors. Here's to a great 2010!