The Self-Help Section

I've stopped doing everything that I thought would help me get better. I no longer see a therapist once a week and I rarely take my meds. For as great as the medication was for quieting some of the depression and anxiety, they also prevented me from feeling so many other things. I felt like everything that made me who I am were cut down to smaller sizes as well, and some things just seemed to vanish. It's hard to describe. So I stopped taking them.

I stopped going to the therapist because Christmas break came up and their offices weren't open and then I just lost interest in going. I felt like I always had to repeat myself too and that is a major pet peeve of mine. Especially when it's to someone whose job it is to listen.

I think finding a job has really helped me to feel better. No longer having to worry about where my money is going to come from, and how I will pay for rent. All that worry over money has made me more relaxed with my view on money too. Money has always been the deciding factor of my mood. When I got it I'm happy and when I don't I'm depressed. And now that I am making money I am happy but I have also come to understand that I let a piece of paper dictate my happiness. Yes it does keep a roof over my head and food on the shelves, so for those reasons money is important, but I have also learned (or rather, decided) that I can choose to be happy whether I have money or not.

I mean, that is what these past few months have been about anyway. Realizing that I have a choice. I'm making the choice to be happy now. I'm recognizing the weak spots in my life. Those tender spots that used to make me cringe and hide are now just encouragement to change. I need to be vocal, I need to share how I feel with others, I need to be honest. I need to go out with friends and spend my money wisely. I'm listening to myself again and it feels really good.

I know I'm not cured by any means but I do know that I am making progress, and it's not just due to a fatter wallet. I think some people in my life don't see the change. They are the same people who peered so closely at me a couple of months ago when I broke my silence. Like they were looking to see the physical damage depression had done. I think it's just hard for people to realize that there isn't anything to see. It's all internal, and I can talk about it but that still doesn't give some people a sense of relief. But I know what's going on. I've got a plan. A small one. A day by day one and it's working for me.

We all want evidence, I understand that. I'm the first to deny something until I see it for myself. It's not real until I can verify it and feel comfortable with my findings. We all consider ourselves experts of something whether it be a theory, a lifestyle or even a person. There is that saying, "I know you better than you know yourself," but that's bullshit. There is no way to really know someone. Murakami wrote, "You'll live forever in your own private library." That I believe. There are volumes and volumes of stories that no one can touch. Sometimes you decide to read a page to someone else but it's often the condensed version. We paraphrase in order to keep something for ourselves.

So no, I don't believe that you can ever really know someone, but what you can do is trust them. You can take what they give you and hold it as truth. That's all I ask. I wish they would understand that they don't have to look so closely. I don't need to be held under a microscope to find change. To find the proof that I actually do feel a lot better. You have no idea how differently things are now. I actually want to get out of bed in the morning. I don't cry everyday anymore. I'm enjoying my life.

Maybe someday you can see what I see. But until then, you've just got to trust. And just be there. That's all I need.

It's hard to come up with a title sometimes.

My 3-day "vacation" has begun. I asked for the weekend off because one of my friends from college is getting married on the 13th so I wanted to have the weekend off to prepare (Friday), enjoy (Saturday) and recuperate (Sunday). I am just so excited to have the opportunity to stay up late and sleep in. Staying up late is a guilty pleasure of mine. I love being awake at 3am when everyone else is asleep. I've never been a morning person so if this is why people like to wake up early, I will never experience that for myself. I'll stick with being a night owl.

So this wedding. I can't believe that my friends are starting to get married. I have 2 this year that I am attending. I feel like marriage is like a cold. Once the weddings start then everyone gets wedding fever and then everyone starts getting married. And then they start having babies and then I will get invited to kid's birthday parties.

I think it's the fact that I am somewhat regressing (moving back home) while my friends are turning into adults (getting hitched) that makes me freak out a little. It's not about feeling pressured to get married now, it's just more of a reality check that while I feel like I am playing "adult" there are people my age who are living it.

And dating is a whole other story.

I've never been a fan of willingly putting myself into awkward situations and dating is chock full of awkwardness. Of course there have been interested parties, and I've been interested but nothing culminated into, well, anything.

There was a time where I threw myself into the lions den- I joined a dating website. I felt like I was at a good point in my life, and despite living in a city of students I wasn't meeting any worthwhile candidates. So I joined, I saw and I dated. I went on 4 first dates total and even went on a second date. I am currently (and pathetically) still pining after one of those individuals that I dated so I guess, all in all, it wasn't such a bad experience. I guess.

It gave me a lot of great stories to tell. I went on a date with a film director whose movie I saw in an actual movie theater, which was a first. Then there was that guy who was really tall, and we had a lot in common, but he had told me his name was Hunter and then when we met up with his friend's they called him Sam...and he had told me that he was a law student and then on the date he told me that he edited movies for Gus Van Sant. Not a terrible turn of events but I was confused enough to not respond to any requests for follow up dates. Lying is kind of a red flag.

Then there was the one guy who was great, but seemed too into me (it's a turn off) and then there was the guy who was amazing- but I let him go for the great guy. It would be so helpful if there was a letter that would arrive in the mail when you are making a bad decision. Or an email. Just something that would give you a heads up that you should not be giving preference to someone who is going to kind of creep you out in a few months and to just be smart and stick with the cool, level-headed, all around awesome guy. And it would be great if that letter mentioned that one day the awesome guy would move to an island and you might not be able to talk to him or see him again.

Pining...

I guess all of this is just a long-winded way of saying I don't plan on getting married any time soon. I'm okay with that. I've never been the type of girl who sets time limits for things. I mean, I used to listen to Doris Day's recording of "Que Sera, Sera" on repeat at age 7. Whatever will be will be. The future's not ours to see, all that business. Never thought, "married by 25, 2 kids by 30." I just figure that if it's meant to happen, it will and with the way things have been going I have learned that plans rarely go as planned anyway.