The Self-Help Section

I've stopped doing everything that I thought would help me get better. I no longer see a therapist once a week and I rarely take my meds. For as great as the medication was for quieting some of the depression and anxiety, they also prevented me from feeling so many other things. I felt like everything that made me who I am were cut down to smaller sizes as well, and some things just seemed to vanish. It's hard to describe. So I stopped taking them.

I stopped going to the therapist because Christmas break came up and their offices weren't open and then I just lost interest in going. I felt like I always had to repeat myself too and that is a major pet peeve of mine. Especially when it's to someone whose job it is to listen.

I think finding a job has really helped me to feel better. No longer having to worry about where my money is going to come from, and how I will pay for rent. All that worry over money has made me more relaxed with my view on money too. Money has always been the deciding factor of my mood. When I got it I'm happy and when I don't I'm depressed. And now that I am making money I am happy but I have also come to understand that I let a piece of paper dictate my happiness. Yes it does keep a roof over my head and food on the shelves, so for those reasons money is important, but I have also learned (or rather, decided) that I can choose to be happy whether I have money or not.

I mean, that is what these past few months have been about anyway. Realizing that I have a choice. I'm making the choice to be happy now. I'm recognizing the weak spots in my life. Those tender spots that used to make me cringe and hide are now just encouragement to change. I need to be vocal, I need to share how I feel with others, I need to be honest. I need to go out with friends and spend my money wisely. I'm listening to myself again and it feels really good.

I know I'm not cured by any means but I do know that I am making progress, and it's not just due to a fatter wallet. I think some people in my life don't see the change. They are the same people who peered so closely at me a couple of months ago when I broke my silence. Like they were looking to see the physical damage depression had done. I think it's just hard for people to realize that there isn't anything to see. It's all internal, and I can talk about it but that still doesn't give some people a sense of relief. But I know what's going on. I've got a plan. A small one. A day by day one and it's working for me.

We all want evidence, I understand that. I'm the first to deny something until I see it for myself. It's not real until I can verify it and feel comfortable with my findings. We all consider ourselves experts of something whether it be a theory, a lifestyle or even a person. There is that saying, "I know you better than you know yourself," but that's bullshit. There is no way to really know someone. Murakami wrote, "You'll live forever in your own private library." That I believe. There are volumes and volumes of stories that no one can touch. Sometimes you decide to read a page to someone else but it's often the condensed version. We paraphrase in order to keep something for ourselves.

So no, I don't believe that you can ever really know someone, but what you can do is trust them. You can take what they give you and hold it as truth. That's all I ask. I wish they would understand that they don't have to look so closely. I don't need to be held under a microscope to find change. To find the proof that I actually do feel a lot better. You have no idea how differently things are now. I actually want to get out of bed in the morning. I don't cry everyday anymore. I'm enjoying my life.

Maybe someday you can see what I see. But until then, you've just got to trust. And just be there. That's all I need.