Haunted

 
I decorated for Christmas this past weekend. I know it's super early but I love the holidays and I can do whatever I want. The decorations are conducive to my mood as well. A Christmas tree adorned with white lights is perfect for sitting in a darkened room and staring off into. The musical box that plays Winter Wonderland and always ends on slow, sad drawn out final notes always hits the right chords within me. It almost seems to strain itself to try to complete the entire song. It never does though. It always stops short. So I turn the dial and listen to it again. 


I had another music box as a child that I loved. I guess I shouldn't call them musical boxes since the Christmas one is in the shape of an igloo and the one I had as a child was shaped as a little girl. She was in a light green dress splattered with dark green shamrocks and she played "When Irish eyes are smiling." I used to play it over and over as a little girl, trying to fall asleep in my dark, quiet house. It was a weird time. My parents had just gotten married and there were ghosts in my house. I would see their faces floating over my bed at night and I can remember the face of one of them. He was an old man with a very wrinkly face. My parents never believed me when I told them I saw ghosts. I remember being really scared though and I know that I have a very active imagination and a chemical imbalance but I don't think I am crazy enough to conjure up images like that. And I was only 4 at the time. 


My roommate and I have a vague fear that our current apartment is haunted but I'm not sure about it. She felt like someone was walking around her bed and she heard rustling in her closet. I haven't really experienced anything though. Except my bed would shake sometimes but it's against a wall so I couldn't tell if it was a ghost or the people who live downstairs. 

I think the only ghost in our apartment is me.
I just glide around from room to room searching for something I can't find. 
Quietly observing the world around me, wondering how I have gotten so far away and trying so hard to get back.

But most days are lessons in stillness. 
Sitting in darkened rooms. 
Looking into white lights...