Procrastinating

Procrastination has completely consumed me. I half-assed an essay this morning and since then I have been gearing up to do the rest of my work but so far no luck. I have to write a grant proposal and I find it dull. I don't like having to research and find facts and numbers to plug into specific spaces. I am proposing a grant to fund a child life program at Gesundheit Institute. It was created by Patch Adams and I think what he does relates to child life and I think that maybe someday he should give me a job at his yet to be built hospital. It's a fake proposal. Just something to help us learn how to write one so maybe one day I can submit a real one. Wouldn't mind if it was for Gesundheit. 

I work to normalize a child's hospital experience and help them understand procedures. But a big part of my job is play. It is how a child interprets their world and I get a front row seat. It's fascinating work but it's also sad because I only get to see these children because they are sick. My job wouldn't exist without them. You should look up child life, and if you know a child is going to a hospital you should ask if they have a child life specialist on staff. 

So this is me procrastinating some more. It's funny how when there is something important to do you often do things of less importance first. To get them out of the way, rather than just tackling the big project and worrying about those little things later. Such is life. So far I managed to clean the house, checked facebook and twitter a million times, unpacked, found some interesting articles to show to someone who might like them and now I am updating my blog which I just updated yesterday and which I have nothing really interesting to share since then. I guess I could talk about child life some more. Since my homework is for my child life grad program maybe this will motivate me.

I found child life when I was volunteering in a resource room at a certain big name hospital in Boston. I was in the main resource room where all the adult patients came to use the computers and pick up informational packets about different diseases. I had heard about the pediatric resource room and I knew I would be happy up there and that I would have a lot more fun. Then one day my supervisor told me that the person who runs the room would be going on vacation so I would have to take over! Hooray! But when I told my friends about this they all looked sad and said, "So you are going to be hanging out with kids who have cancer? Won't that be depressing?" Well...I hadn't really thought about it. I just thought kids=fun. I kind of forgot about the sick part.

It was all sunshine and giggles. They are kids! They still want to play regardless of how much hair was on their head or what their cells were doing. I couldn't believe that it was someone's actual job to play with these kids. You get to meet these wonderful little people and you can help make their visit to the hospital a little happier. The woman who ran the room went to school to get this job, and the school she went to was right next door to my college! I applied and got in and now I am at my second internship and feel so lucky to be here.


There was a particular patient at that big name hospital who cemented the idea that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. She was a little girl and her blond hair was just starting to grow back. We were playing with a dollhouse together and she started telling me how the boys at her school made fun of her for having no hair, but then she beat them up. She told me how they stopped making fun of her that and how happy she is now. A happy kid with cancer. We had a nice little chat and got along well and then she had to go see the doctor and get her chemo. The next day when I came in I found out that she had made something for me. It was a little blue felt bunny wearing a little floral dress. I was just so taken aback. Here is this little girl who is experiencing something so much bigger than she is and she made a blue bunny for me. It just really touched me. I felt like I should have done more for her; made her something to take home, and I told this to one of my professors and she smiled at me and said, "You did give her something. You sat and listened to her stories, played games with her and treated her like just another kid. She didn't walk away empty handed." I forgot about the sick part of her.


Some of the strongest people I have met have been cancer patients. For my first internship in grad school I worked at a not so well-known hospital in Boston. I was in the hematology/oncology clinic so once again I was working with beautifully bald children. Child Life Specialists can work in many different hospital settings from inpatient units (where I currently intern), radiology, ER, and so on. I just like working with oncology patients. But the thing is...it does get sad. You will meet a million strong little children but the fact is that not all of them will beat it. Four children died during my 5 months at this hospital and I learned that a patient I was close to died soon after I left. I wasn't sure if I wanted to know what happened to the kids I worked with after I ended my internship. Part of me just wanted to think of them as living forever. Getting married, having kids and dying when they are very old.


They were all wonderful kids. They are still wonderful kids.


That's the thing with facts and numbers and the specific spaces they fill. They are all so final. They can't go anywhere else once you plug them in. No room for imagination or stories. Alive or dead. Nothing else.

But as you know, I don't always live in reality. So while I know the facts, I also know that I can think however I want. In reality I have a grant due tomorrow and it is a big part of my grade and I haven't even started it yet. But in my mind I know it can wait. I know I will get it done and that I will probably get it done 5 minutes before it is due but I don't want to go there yet- to that stressed part of my mind. I will stay here, in oblivion and be happy about it.


 I like this...


"Those who are dead, are not dead, their just living in my head. And since I fell for that spell, I've been living there as well."