When I stopped singing along to songs, I knew something was wrong. I am one of those annoying people who knows the words to every song and will gladly sing along to them. I listen to a song once and then I make it my job to sing along every time I hear it for the rest of my life. I've been known to exclaim how much I hate a song and then sing along to it. If I know the words I'm gonna sing 'em and no I do not have a good voice by good voice standards but I don't mind my singing. It's fun for me. But recently, I haven't been singing along to songs. I've barely been listening to music at all and when I do put on a song I'm barely hearing it. I'm too far away.
Depression is something that has always been there. I could always sense it, like a phantom limb, it was a part of me whether it could be seen or not. But usually it would go away, or I would have a good laugh and feel a little better. Better enough to carry on with my life. But it's bigger than me now. Rather than just carrying it around, it has seeped into every pore and I carry it in every cell of my body. It is my blood. It consumes my thoughts. In every inhalation, in every heartbeat, every step- I feel it. I am depression. It has swallowed me whole.
So now, as predicted, with this depression comes a loss of interest in things I would normally enjoy. As I mentioned in a previous post I can no longer read books and a recent venture into reading a magazine article proved futile as well. I can't take much in but I am certainly letting out a lot. I've told basically everyone how I am feeling and I know that talking about it will help me get through it and writing this blog has been a big help as well. It is one of the few things I have the motivation to start and actually finish. School and my internship are two things that fall into the can't finish category. I'm going to be taking a leave from school to focus on getting better and will probably return next Fall.
I mean, this is kind of a big deal. The whole leaving school thing, I mean. Feeling depressed is big too but I can't believe how much it is affecting my life this time around. When I first started thinking about leaving school I was pissed. This is not something I had planned out, obviously, and I felt like I was ruining everything. Why couldn't I just suck it up and tough out these next 7 months so I can graduate on time? But every time I think about that I remember how hard it's been to even look at a syllabus, never mind completing an entire assignment. The normal things in life have become burdens and the only option is to get away. Take time for me so that one day I can do these things and not feel like a ton of bricks are laying down on me.
I've always been a very headstrong person. I only do things that make me happy and that I will enjoy and if I don't like something, or someone or somewhere I will not hesitate to remove myself, or not get involved at all. I just simply don't want to wast my time. I know what I like and what I don't like and I won't settle for anything less. That is why this decision to leave is so hard. I love my program, and the people who I have met. I love working with children and families and learning how to help them. I don't want to be the one left behind as the rest of my classmates excel and graduate in May and all travel together to Phoenix in June to take the certification exam.
But I can't worry about that too much because for as long as depression is the only song in my head, the only song I know the words to, I have to leave some things behind. Make room for what is to come. To start over.
But it still sucks.
Sometimes it takes a while to figure out where you belong, and even when you do the timing isn't always the way you plan it. Try not to be too hard on yourself, and have faith that things will work out the way they need to work out, and when they need to work out as well.
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best as you deal with these changes in your life.
Thank you Bard!
ReplyDeleteI had a similar experience about a year ago, as Jess will tell you. I always had felt the presence of my darker, less sunny side, but beginning last fall I became overwhelmed by it. I started avoiding people and skipping class entirely, I would stay awake for two days and then sleep for a whole day. I ate erratically and dodged phone calls from people who only wanted to help. I drove away my girlfriend and had my parents sick with worry. All because I didn't have the strength to talk about it. I'm happy to see that you do.
ReplyDeleteI've never been suicidal, but when i started experiencing suicidal thinking I took myself to a counselor and talked things out over a few months. I left school and came home, which was hard but necessary. It was important to me to remind myself that although at times it seems like life is segmented into a schedule for achievement, there is really no such thing. You will manage to accomplish the goals you find truly important -- in good time.
When your biography is written, it will be all the more interesting for the detours.
Thank you Tim. Geniuses are always tormented. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteMiss you.
Awesome pumpkins, btw.
See you soon hopefully!
They say that you are never dealt more cards than you can handle but when the time comes that you've been given too many its necessary to throw them on the floor and yell, "52 pick up!"
ReplyDeleteKnow that everyone is on your side and you'll never be left behind... hell! come to AZ and suntan with me...who goes to conferences anyways?! I'm happy to hear you have found a productive outlet and wish you only the best. I look forward to reading that book one day.
Don't be a stranger, I'll gladly make the trek from Prov to hang out. Much love :)
Most everything was covered here. I guess I'd say if you can't do what you love, all the time, regardless of time, or place, or even how you're feeling, it's not worth it. Do it. Take pride in it (which you apparently do). If it isn't coming out at any given point, don't do it then. If you have to wait for it, wait patiently.
ReplyDeleteColors become dulled, rhythms broken, and melodies distorted during these bad stretches, and I also know what this is all like. It was important for me to find them again, and I had to really stop, look and listen. (No, that wasn't an Elvis plug). This year was the first in many I was really able to appreciate the Fall. It's important to be able to see in color again.
There is a rhythm in the bustle of New Haven since Yale's been back in session; I've never been around at this time to really experience it. Tunnel vision can really hinder that. With regards to myself, my attention was always turned inward at these times, to a spot where something was missing. The world around is a production, changing acts, with new characters entering and exiting. Walking around like I had been, I was a lone audience member apart from it, rather than a player in it. There is a cue for everyone to enter, I think. Multiple ones maybe even, at many different times. It's just a matter of listening for them.
Well, my two cents turned into about five bucks, and it's a bit late, but I hope my perspective on things helps a bit. Keep up what you're doing. Keep building. Look at some foliage. Force yourself to sing a few lines of a song. Spill something hot on someone. It could start something worth writing about.
Jen- I will gladly come and suntan with you! You will need a drinking buddy anyway haha
ReplyDeleteAdam- Great advice, thanks! I feel like even though I am bogged down with all of this that I am actually starting to see the world around me differently. In a positive way. I mostly just enjoy being able to spend my time doing what I enjoy at the moment- taking walks and writing. It's a simpler life but already it's a happier one. I'm a walking Thoreau quote.
i'm having similar problems at this point in time. I've always been a generally happy person, but recently I've been feeling..just empty and down, i find it hard to enjoy life, i am constantly worrying about things. I always felt that nobody understood how I felt, and that nobody felt the same (immature and naive i know). But reading your blog makes me realise I'm not the only one.
ReplyDeleteI whole heartedly wish you luck in getting better (: your blog is pretty darn cool as well (:
~ Jam
I wish you the best too, and thanks!
ReplyDelete